I only slept 3 1/2 on SUNDAY NITE  so when I woke up on MONDAY I knew that I was going to be on a rollercoaster of a ride that day… I now know that I had emotionally and mentally ran myself to exhaustion.  I put a lot of pressure on myself…well I’m getting better but still…and w CELEBRITY REHAB SEASON 5 AIRING LAST SUNDAY I WAS NERVOUS….why??? The “am I enough” syndrome…would people like me?  I’m too damn hard on myself… I went to PRC to go do my group then had a staff meeting there…rushed to L.A to the gym, got my workout on then rushed to AMY’s (POCKETSIZE) house then off I went to an AA meeting …ran a few errands then came back to her house to literally shower and get dressed to head over to the “ROXY” on SUNSET… AMY has such a vision and is a huge part of my NEW CHAPTER …MY NEW TRANSFORMATION. So MISS POCKET, EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS’ed MY STYLE and she looked at the dress I had on & she said “ummmm no, ur going to put MY dress on” Ya hello HERVE LEGER super small ok extra small …. I said “umm no I couldn’t fit into that” She then said “ummm ya u can , ur tiny”… so off it went (she just said to me  that I was wearing a shirt,grrrrrr lmao) and more importantly ON IT WENT, IT FIT!!!!!!! WAAAAALAAAA! We drove together to the “ROXY” for the “FRIENDLY HOUSE 60TH ANNIVERSARY BENEFIT”… I was opening the show, oh yes I was nervous. Sold out event, and we all were wearing a POINTER SISTERS COSTUME from the past 45 yrs.. pretty cool, many musicians performed…actors…. comedians… and back stage we had stylists like AMY, hair dressers like SEAN JAMES (who I love ) and his team of assistants and make up artist like CRYSTAL (who did my face that night) VOLUNTEERING their time and talents as well as so many people who volunteered from all over for this benefit …. I had been there from 4ish till way past midnight and let me tell u I hit a wall, not literally but physically… one thing about me is that when I’m done, IM DONE!!!!!and call me rude, moody whatevs I just shut down and lights out….

TUESDAY I had a lot of stuff going on and Thank God I slept a little. I did interviews and went to an AA meeting when I got home I went in the back yard at Amy’s…I just needed “ME” time… I responded to a whole hell of alot of txts, emails, phone calls, twitter, fb emails , messages etc. etc. and got my agenda for JULY/AUGUST caught up and then wrote all while taking some sun in for about 3 hrs…I had interviews yesterday for CELEB REHAB and then off I went to do the “OH MARY” show on www.latalkradio.com in the valley. when I got home I was so tired and drained…yet I proceeded to do more work via computer and finally again hit that wall. I was delirious and my girl AUNG thankfully came to the rescue-helping by cleaning up all the mess I do on the computer…

Today I worked again at PRC doing my group, some errands, drs appt in Santa Monica, gym time (saw Mr. Jeremy Jackson and his girl there) did some returns at fasion PR firm REDLIGHT( they are so good to me there) more errands and back for more interviews and work via computer… tonights got to be an early night for me…I’m kinda excited for a long weekend. I just need it to be mellow  at times. My life is full and busy, which I LOVE… but it’s also important to find my balance…

I have received OVERWHELMING SUPPORT from EVERYONE ON ALL MY SOCIAL MEDIA REGARDING CELEBRITY REHAB …. THANK YOU FOR THAT… I will get into more how I’ve lost all my weight, over coming heavy obstacles and just life when I’m not so tired…

I woke up today and took little MICKEY on his morning poop walk…holy jeepers it was a hot day… then I went to the gym.. there was this man that reminded me of JACK LALANNES (he was soo cute) came up to me and started teachimg me how to do free weights properly… ahhh found a blessing there… I try to remain teachable… and I actually learn….woooow ! What a concept … I learned how to do some crazy stuff today … I also learned that when u do new things u get super sore…..ouch…I’ve said this before but since CELEBRITY REHAB WRAPPED I’VE NOW LOST OVER 20LBS… I FEEL GREAT WITH WERE I AM WITH MY WEIGHT ,BODY AND HEALTH….I mean I’m an addict I would love to tighten up lose more etc etc… more more more!!!!!!!! but from 257lbs I’ve come a long way… I remember I said if I could ever get to blah blah blah I would be so happy then 3 wks ago I got there then I said ok ok but if I could get blah blah blah that would be it. Haaaa! I so had to check myself, quickly… I’ve  passed my dream goal from when I was heavy so it’s a MIRACLE and a blessing from here on… oddly since my last relationship ended I’ve been able to drop the last 20 lbs, maybe that weight was still protecting me…maybe just from me or…..life?

I went and got my nails did and toes … went shopping for my mama and then came back to her house where I just couldn’t anymore… I just passed out and slept for 45 minutes and hard….then my little brother came in and we had a premiere party the 4 of us… MY MAMA , BROTHER, LITTLE MICKERS AND ME! I have to say I was filled w anxiety all day …my people pleasing kicked in, would I be liked? etc etc…at the end of the day it’s a show about addiction and bringing awareness to the disease and  it is sooooo REAL…. helping others not about me… but some fb’ed me and said it’s probably about the responsibilities thats the bigger picture and he was right….the responsibilities of a show like this that come with it…the show is edited and there are a lot of things I wish u guys got to see….I’m honored to do what I do but I am passionate about all the things I do… it’s not just recovery based stuff that I do, but that’s alway’s first. The more I put myself out there on shows about recovery the harder I have to work on my recovery and I effing do that ….. I have to…

SEASON PREMIERE OF CELEBRITY REHAB SEASON AIRED TONIGHT! It’s amazing all day STEVEN ADLER AND I have been txting each other … we are all good guys… I was in the bathroom trying to hide the fact I was crying but being mic’d they hear everything… so I was told to come out and gratefully Shelly was still there to walk me thru that… being on a team is such a blessing this season for me….compared to SOBERHOUSE… I learned and grew so much from this experience and the whole cast … I am receiving a lot of support from everyone…BAI LING also has been txting me … she has a powerful story …. MICHAEL LOHAN has called today too, but we talk a lot as do I with JEREMY JACKSON… JEREMY IS THE ONE WHO HELPED ME LOSE MY LAST 20LBS …. he knows his fitness that one…. well he helped a lot  for a bit….I still talk w DWIGHT”DOC”GOODEN ALL THE TIME (love love love him) and little JESSICA”SUGAR”KIPER as well…. I remain close with them …. they are very brave to put there life and isssues out there….

I am doing a fashion show tomorrow at the “ROXY”!!!!! but in the morning, it’s a super early rise and shine  for me… 6am wake up , then I go do my group at PRC then out to L.A for the week…. have gym, an aa meeting ,interviews on phone for CELEB REHAB  until I have to go to “ROXY” for rehearsals and hair and make up then show… apparently I’m opening the show… aghhhhhhhh…I haven’t done a FASHION SHOW IN A BILLION YRS….. I’ve got a busy wk but I am so blessed….. I ask GOD TO SINK MY BOAT W BLESSINGS lately ….I’M READY…. I LOVE U GUYS (even the ones who read my blogs and dont tell me). xoxoxo

Ok I’m a bit nervous for tomorrow and what people’s responses will be… it’s all done and I have no control over it but I’m still nervous….I took care of my personal life today… I got a tune up on my car then hit the gym with quite a few errands inbtw…tonight my little cousin Nicole had a going away dinner w my family… She’s moving to Australia for a while… I’m gonna miss the little one… my cousin Travis , Teresa my Aunt, my mama, my uncle Rueben,his wife Aynet, little 9 month Selah and their cousin Ruthy w a few other people… it was nice just being with my family…I weighed myself this am and I had lost a few more lbs but I ate soooo much bread,pasta and garlic…. oh but I’m a ball of carbs right now… but I decided to keep going and got boston baked beans and hersheys chocolate and ate cuz of my nerves… purely emotions…. not feeling so festive right now…..I’m keeping this short cuz I have a full wk ahead and want to sleep…. CELEBRITY REHAB AIRS TOMORROW ON VH1…. let me know what u guys think of the show……

My day started off well… I wrote when I woke up then got ready to go to do my group at PRC which I do 2 times a week… it feels good working there…yes I do that on top of everything else on my agenda. I was and still am tired… but I get so motivated in my day to day life … eventually I do hit a wall… but I believe God doesn’t give me what I can’t handle… and I have great enough friends that when I lose it , well I like to call it “having a moment” I’m safe enough to break down around them. After my group I went to the gym… I’ve been doing the stairmaster and let me tell u its crazy hard… I sweat so much…my booty and legs are starting to get some good definition. I also grunt and snot drips down my nose and I could care less for a second-then I dab and wipe with a towel but for a few day’s now its been gross… I was doing the stairmasters next to Justin Long (actor) today…grunting  with snot going everywhere…yup I’m so not the cute girl at the gym. I did hard core sit ups and legs ….worked via email all day and phone calls both  personal and work..some other interviews…then I ran home to shower and got ready to go to KTLA to do “ON AIR W TONY SWEET” who  like an ass I called TONY SCOTT… ughhh…  Tony is super sweet…. I had so much fun w him… I alway’s get so nervous before these things…then I went shopping,groceries, bank, riteaide,99cent store, and came home (Amy’s) to rest… by that time it was 7:45 pm…so I sat on the couch for 1/2 an hr and felt comatosed. I ended up walking to 711 down the street and it was perfect I felt like I was in New York w all these cute stores , restaurants and people eating outside…I was in my 70′s shorts and tank top w a huge sweatshirt and flip flops on… couldn’t have cared less… awesome moment… sunset , cool hip street and me, present for the moment…so it gets gross right here. I went poo when I got home and the damn toilet clogged and there was no plunger in this big house… she was not feeling well-I didnt want to bother her so I ended up going to not 1 but 3 Ralphs grocery stores cuz no one in L.A happened to have a damn plunger …. I wanted to scream by store 2… got one and waaaaala new toilet…  then computer just froze and it took me forever to restart it all up…I’m soooo bad w technology stuff. Tomorrow I have a super big day and nite w an event to end the night. There was this moment today where I started getting sad -I know I have so many people supporting me during these kinds of times…but for 5 minutes I got really down then I started praying and realized I have u guys (my friends) who support, encourage and love me during these times…like my Aung who is effing incredible to me, Amy,Deb,Mandi H, Rhonda, Darrin  ,Matt, Jimmy, Patty,my mama ,bro,oh the list goes on… but right before or right after those are the messages I received..my point is that I’m getting the love and support and I’m just perfect…. there’s so many more of u but I’m seriously going to pass out…

Its the first day of summer… season change… its the first time in many many years that im excited for summer… i normally havent been a fan favorite for summer… new time , new change… im ready!!!

when i woke up this morning i was so happy…i felt safe … i went outside , sat in the morning sun, talked w GOD  and then wrote in my journal… it was lovely just spending quite time w me , the universe and GOD! i did a few interviews for CELEBRITY REHAB season 5… and since i have the gift of the gab my interviews are not short… it really takes a lot out of me… because w whatever i do i put my heart and soul into it… then i drove to AMYS house which really is the creative house… did more interviews then was wiped out… i thought to myself do i want to just rest or what would be the best form of release for me so i decided to go to the gym … just to relieve the stress out of my body… i didnt work out to get in better shape i worked out to let go of the pressures … it was great just to be in that mind frame of liberating myself from the world and all it entails… then i did a little shopping and back to AMYS house… we had a lovely few hrs talking and at times not talking just being  … i have to say that something i LOVE is being w the people i love and care for and not having to be anything for them… the silence is sometimes my favorite part… she KNOWS me, the REAL me, she gets me and sometimes w out words … she is a powerful soul…in btw that i was working via email etc… at one point after a great lengthy conversation w AMY i just started talking backwards and not making sense of what i was saying… i was thinking one thing and speaking jiberish… so i then proceeded to get ready… once again AMY just looked at me and started creating and fine tuning the image, look, my image… shes a fashion expert among other things…we went to the “I HEART RONSON” part at the Rosevelt Hotel… very chic party… amazing intimate crowd … great fashion hip people there, like Nicole Richie , Samantha Ronson etc… i had a blast and did lots of press… now im back in my 70′s shorts and little tank blogging w zit cream on… and yes Wed is a whole new day w a whole new full schedule … I LOVE MY LIFE TODAY… im accepting my role in this universe for today(tonight)

i want to thank you for ur emails and responding to me here or any other way u do… and for encouraging me to keep on keeping on …I LOVE YOU !!!!!

The last 48 hrs I’ve had a total of 8hrs of sleep… I woke up at 6:30am this morning-I kept changing my alarm I guess for more sleep. I had 40 minutes to get to PRC for a group I did there today… there was no brushing of the teeth or even time for a pee… but I did get there exactly on time then wooshed off back home to  brush the teeth then I did “IN TOUCH” mag …did other interviews as well…I had my gym time then even went to the bank and dealt w/ some banking things all on  my own…. big girl things…regardless I did it and it felt great…. my little brother and I had plans to hang out,so we had brother /sister night…I’ve been on the computer working  as well. My day starts earlier tomorrow w/ many interviews and then an event tomorrow night…there’s also gym time to fit in there as well and few other things… gonna be a long one tomorrow… but this is the fun  part of it all … there’s alot of  footwork that goes into this… if u guys only knew… but I LOVE IT!!!!!  One interview I’m doing tomorrow is VH1 BLOG… I am the voice for the show… one of the interviews  I’m going to be doing tomorrow is w/ vh1 and I will be the voice for the blogs weekly ( I was blessed  to do it for SOBERHOUSE 1&2) which I find to be a huge honor for me to represent the show for and on VH1….I have to say this season of CELEBRITY REHAB IS GOING TO BE POWERFUL!!!!

It’s 2:40 am Sun morning but since I just got home I posted this  for Sat… because today (Sun) brings a whole new day,venture and life experience…

I stayed the last few nites w my POCKETSIZE, AMY(who by the way let me know shes 5’4 ,she’s so tiny to me cuz of her little frame that I’ll still call it 5’1 grrrrrr)… I woke up today around noon …. was that tired …. we can exhaust ourselves not only  physically, but emotionally and mentally and have no idea that we’ve completely drained ourselves…I had only 20 mins to get myself together and go speak at a womans AA meeting… I have to say womens meetings rock…as scared as I used to be around women, they save my life…I have these gorgeous goddess’s in my life who I am connected to and I just love love love u…my girl AUNG who has entered my life over a year ago and I am grateful for her…she’s loving ,kind, sensitive ,caring, generous and has my back, as I have hers….she’s very special to me, my sweet LUFFZ…it’s super cute how much she cares that we have some discussions (is a nice way of putting it) about how much she worries about me…I do appreciate it…grrrrrrr I love her … she has showed up for me constantly…

then I have my godma of a mentor PATTY BARET, we call each other bubbs… she is one of my towers that I lean on for guidance and direction… oh how she is a life line for me… I’m honored to have her in my life… I can be childlike around her and be completely open and vulnerable around her… she nourishes me back to health all the time… she never went back on her word and has my back as well….what a gift…

after my meeting I went back to AMY’s and I had an hr to just relax so I went to her back yard wrote ,read and just took some sun for 40 mins… it was really beautiful to just be in that moment…I found myself really happy with being w ME…I got ready cuz I was asked to shoot a show w my bestie BRANDI GLANVILLE again… I found myself a bit blocked w the kind of look I was going to go w so AMY came to the rescue and her being  such an amazing creator and stylist, mama got to whipping my look into shape… she’s really got a gift … her eye and talent is so inspiring… she’s really a true artist… I was going to a “White Party” but I felt the need to find ala circa of some sort and we (she) did!

one of the gifts thru the last few months has been spending quality time w my friends… BRANDI and I hung out for a bit and talked then off we went to her party, thats all I’m really allowed to say about this job… we took pictures and I posted a few up ( BRANDI AND CAMILLE GRAMMER & I) but will post more up on twitter and fb soon…its the moments that make it all the worth wild for me, like this one, as we were coming home we were grubbing on fatburger from the party laughing our bellys off like 2 little girls in the car, our conversations were killing us as we were choking on the choking while laughing soooo hard… we definitely left a trail in that poor town car…

today is FATHERS DAY so to all those wonderful men out there HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!! If ur a father, grandfather, brother, son, provider, teacher, role model or mentor to anyone out there, know u are loved and adored … thank u for making a difference to the world around u…

thank u guys so much for ur love and support…it blows me away how kind and loving u guys are … ur truly gentle souls…thank u for being in my life…u really show me that im not alone and I AM LOVED!!!! at the end of the day thats all we all really want…is to BE LOVED.

like i said yesterday i have going thru being uncomfortable in my own skin ….when we go thru painful moments in life, as my sponsor and many wonderful insightful people say to me, “this too shall pass”…but for me i also find that thru the uncomfortable comes growth and learning lessons…even thou ive been going thru some serious change lately, I AM WALKING THRU MY FEARS , all the while having people lead the way and holding my hand…but for the GRACE OF GOD… only thru my experience will i be able to help others an find myself having a spiritual awakening…. sometimes i have to have the pain hurt bad enough to make the change… its also the good things that scare me….and truthfully i have a lot of great things happening to me right now…i also know the responsibilities that come w this….but staying in the moment helps me realize that all i have is the right here right now… but for me its, being honest w people and sharing that im uncomfortable or just that im scared… a group of people i call friends and confidants is something i never thought id have…people who truly have my back and want nothing but the best for me as i for them has beenone of the biggest gifts for me….ive been writing alot an d im doing a “cleaning house” inventory per sponsor direction….and i just surrendered on a whole new level , IM NOT IN CONTROL… im just going w the flow, ive dropped the rock,and this scares me !!!!! this has NOTHING to do w one person right now, its all about me believing in me and having faith that GOD has a plan for me….and that GOD didnt bring me this far to leave me…

so today i went to the gym… then Redlight Pr and the girls there hooked me up w the most amzing wardrobes for nxt few things i have…by the time i left i had so many more things booked for publicity this coming wk… also i got asked to shoot a show for tomorrow night w my BESTIE BRANDI GLANVILLE CIBRIAN  and i got invited to a movie Premiere tonight it was fun being back in that world again …since i want to get back into acting again it was a great introductory to that world…making the transition to acting again has kinda scared me but im soooo tired of staying stuck and not following my heart, letting fear over ride my joy and passion for the things i want, that im saying out loud ….ok ok in a blog, but i have told a few other people…F### it why not throw it out to the universe….right?????

Miss.AMY HALL aka Pocketsize was my date…she is such a lifesaver for me and an angel …im blessed to have her…then i went to an AA meeting which ive gone to at some point everyday the last few wks…

went to Whole foods last 2 days …have to say its a bit to pricey for me…oh and i got my nails did… literally i was gone driving and place to place for well over 13 hrs but ive been going since 8isham its now 1am…. so im retiring for nite…. sweet dreams my dear friend xoxoxo

16 is my favorite number….my little brother was born on that day and so was i and i have many other reasons for it as well… happy 16th day of june guys….

oh man this oopzies that i have going on is getting ridiculous…split coffee 2 xs today…once all over me…yup good times… its just always right before my GOD blessed women w this gift time…. and im a bundle of emotions last few days… im also going thru a lot of change… i just moved out of a place ,ended a relationship w my x boyfriend and work is getting hectic w CELEBRITY REHAB SEASON 5  about to start, i have a crazy publicity schedule happening (which im honestly so grateful for) other jobs im doing/shooting and a new manager that is doing such a great job for me…plus sobriety ,meeting,working w sponsies,my sponsor ,the program, family i tend for ,family quality time, friends ,me and my little mickey …oh and working out…im not complaining its just a new phase, a new chapter in my life… I DEFFENTLY DONT HAVE THE WAAAA BURGERS AND FRENCH CRY I NEED A WAMBULANCE  SYMDROME  going on its just new and real for me right now…plus i dont know how to be sober 5 yrs 5 months and 1 day like i am this too is new…

needless to say im in a transitional phase … im getting to know myself on a whole new scale … im relying on this thing called GOD and as my sponsor says im dating GOD right now… so w all this and other thing s going on im uncomfortable in my skin at times during the day but for the most part im HAPPYand peaceful and having FUN… my friends and family have been soooo amazing and allowing me to realize im human and that i can go thru and get thru anything (ive been thru so much worse)… some amazing people have come into my life and also the ones ive had that stand solid in my life  are letting me know im alright during this time…im thankful that i have a group of people that i can lean on and tell the truth with…plus i just suffer from alcoholism period…. my head likes to play games w me … i do have tools that the program and steps have help me deal and handle the ism w…

i just got asked to shoot a show w my girl BRANDI on Sat that she is doing… ive done it once before and its wild….i have to wear white for this “WHITE PARTY” so im going to a fashion PR company REDLIGHT PR tomorrow to pull clothes  from… theyve been pretty good w me lately on that !!!

i just spent the evening w my little brother DWIGHT… we had dinner ,went into the jacuzzi for tiny bit and then just chatted about life…he is such a blessing…hes such a kind soul…a good man…hes smart and somewhat shy…and an incredible business man…wow we are so different yet alike (somewhat) ,we get each other and we will die for each other…poor little guy i use to toucher the poor little one as akid…could u imagine having me as a big sister…

Amy and i have been spending a lot of time together … she is a rock for me … shes so hip,cool,awesome,creative,stylish,wise,smart and fun… almost 10 yrs ago she was my mentor for yrs and seriously saved my life …its so nice to reconnect w her… she is letting me see the creative person in me …something im finding again back in my life…she gets me…shes 5″1 ft with a super duper tiny frame really light skin,blue eyes w brown hair.. but because we get each other and have been so close she use to call me “POCKETSIZE” cuz im sooo the opposite of her, almost 5″10 dark skin,big boned latina…and when i was afraid or nervous she said i could go into her pocket…stories longer but….awwww i love my POCKETSIZE

.im going to change my workout up a bit ….so tomorrow im taking an abs class30 mins and a yoga class…i havent done a workout class in forever let alone 2….im shocking my body …oh and due to the oopzie time of the month i ate in&out and for diner i had spinach salad,cous cous, taboulie (whole foods) and a gluten free burrito….ummmm not so hot but i have been so vigilant that i dont care for just today… but back on good eating tomorrow again….

i am really excited to say on  SUNDAY JUNE 26th on VH1, CELEBRITY REHAB SEASON 5 will air…..i have been going out alot lately. heres last nites event…. xoxoox

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