Honestly I am so effing wiped out I feel like I’m seeing stars….I honestly lost it at an AA meeting…I walked in and just started balling like no ones business…the great thing about that was people embraced me and they got me without words… I’m very thankful for them…without words we speak the same language ….I feel like I’m living out of my car lately… I just carry so many bags w me for so many things and I’m tired… yes on paper it looks and is great but I’m overwhelmed….I’m living the DREAM and I’m grateful… my dream date is to go by myself to the beach and watch the sunset and just be… that will not happen till a while but at least it’s something to look forward to…

I shot UBEUlifestyle today and the crew was incredible… so much love and support … the experience was memorable and I was blown away by the production…CHRISTINA GIUSEPPE asked me questions that were deep that I have never been asked before… at one point I cried and broke down because I had to tap into some very sad times in my life…but I pulled thru and got there and answered the questions….I ended up having a blast …

Then ANDY DICK  wanted to meet up w me so I rushed over after a 9 hr day of work…I went to meet him and it was amazing….. I’m proud of him… he really is an ANGEL to me and was the one that ENCOURAGED ME TO LOSE WEIGHT AND GET BACK INTO ACTING…we are like BEST FRIENDS and he knows I love him deeply… he was my inspiration  to move forward… I’m eternally grateful to him…. he is a bright lite that entered my life…he also brought the FUN and LAUGHTER back into my life almost 3 yrs ago….

I came home and TWEETED LIVE and now I have to be up at 6am for work….

I am doing the ADAM CAROLLA show tomorrow night… really excited to meet him and a little nervous … I don’t know why but I am….after work in the am I’m coming home to work out and run errands…..

CELEBRITY REHAB tonight was so amazing… Doc was so inspiring to watch and the family that came in blew me away…

I have to go to bed but I LOVE U GUYS SO MUCH.

So much has happened this week …. I have been so on the go… I’m starting to wear out a bit…. I’m so grateful for my girls in my life…AMY, BRANDI, AUNG the list goes on…I don’t get a day off til the 16th of Aug….yes I know people say to take care of me but it’s time for me to seize the moment… God doesn’t give me what I can’t handle…

Alot and I mean alot of people have asked me how I’ve lost the weight… it hasn’t been the easiest thing that I’ve done and it certainly didn’t happen over night… I have done different exercises from walking to running to fast walk, stairmasters, weights,both heavy and light. I’ve learned how to eat … I’m constantly changing up my routine… these last few weeks have been difficult cuz I’ve been on the go and sometimes can’t work out or eat well….. I get to be in charge of my body…

I have worked every single day this week and sometimes 3 jobs or publicity things a day… I work tomorrow on UBEU lifestyles it’s a shoot all day long then I’m on CELEBRITY REHAB EPISODE 4 TOMORROW NIGHT… I think that I’m going to TWEET LIVE FOR THE WEST COAST SHOW…. NEXT WEEK I WILL ALSO BE ON THE “ONEALS” ON OWN NETWORK W TATUM ONEAL WHO IS A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE…. IT IS ON SUNDAY NIGHT AS WELL. I have to say I’M SO HONORED TO BE IN HER SHOW AND ON OPRAHS NETWORK… NOW OPRAH IS ONE OF MY HEROS….u have no idea….

I have spent the week w AMY who literally is my saving grace lately ….I’m so lucky to have her in my life… and I’ve also spent the last few days w BRANDI GLANVILLE…. I’m actually at her house tonight… I babysat the boys yesterday evening and it was truly a blessing to be w her and her boys and sooo much fun…. well since I have to get up uber early I must retire to sleep now… I love all the support and love I’m getting from u all. Honestly sometimes it’s u guys that keep me going…

God I don’t know last time I blogged…but I’ve been everywhere and done so much ….Thursday I went to an event my girl Serene was doing  w my AMY and I also went to HSMPR to pull clothes cuz I have many things going on … fri  I also went to REDLIGHTPR  and pulled some amazing pieces … they have been so good to me there… I tried on like 40 pieces and was there for 3 hrs …my day started at 6:30 am and ended up that afternoon at PATTY’s (MY GODMA/MENTOR) house and we had a blast then I went to dinner w a friend of mine and we talked for 4 or more hours… it felt great doing that ….but I finally went to bed at 4am … Sat I went to the gym and had a GALA EVENT function to attend that I took 1 of my BESTIES MANDY SHERMAN as my HOT DATE…the Organization is “FACE FORWARD” …. which helps WOMAN AND CHILDREN who are victums of ABUSE on ALL LEVELS…some of these women get their faces  and body parts cut off and are so tortured it’s beyond my understanding…this wonderful organization helps them get their outer bodies reconstructed and more importantly helps them inwardly as well. Yesterday I got up after yet another super late night and went to the gym,got ready and did the “O-BROWN” show w STEVEN ADLER and Will Smith from CELEB REHAB …I have to say it was one of the best nights of work I had… there were so many people there and I had such a blast…STEVEN is doing great … I do LOVE that guy, we get along beautifully…. and came home to 5 hrs of sleep… I got up today and did my group at PRC, gym, work calls, interviews etc…lifes in session … and now I can barley type… I have a super full week…

there’s something I want to share w u that is very important and hard to say ,… just typing the last words is making me cry but I believe it’s time to heal and share this so I can close this door, my past doesn’t have to be my future… I believe I deserve the chance to be happy, loved and living my dream….

. …BEING A WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN EXPOSED TO ABUSE MYSELF I was very honored to be a part of a great CAUSE AND FIGHT for ABUSED WOMEN …I am a survivor of abuse ..and I know many people who have been .. I have dealt with the issues that stem from being exposed to certain abuse…today I can say I have broken the cycle ….ill tell u it is not an easy one to over come ….BUT IT CAN BE OVERCOME I PROMISE U….”WHEN THE BATTERED LEAVES THE BATTERER, THEN THERES NO ONE TO BATTER.THE CYCLE ENDS AND THEN THE JOURNEY TO START HEALING CAN BEGIN”…THATS WHAT MY GODMAMA PATTY told me Fri….these are some of my darkest secrets I didn’t want to reveal but am ready to let it go,heal and move on from..I am very fragile and vulnerable lately because on top of all that a new change is occuring….this is me coming out w it….my friends and family have been very supportive w me thru this time of pain and growth and most of all healing period …. its funny how GOD has me on such a busy schedule that I can’t sit thru the pain that long…but it does come… the grieving cycle… my sponsor said to me I have been liberated…. I just tell GOD he must heal it and I’ll do the actions but I don’t ask to plz help me heal this is for him to do… BUT YES I AM DOING THE WORK…. and I do LOVE U and thank you for being able to accept all of me.

Friday was a full day for me I had a great work meeting… I got sooo much encouragement and motivation from it … I did the gym errands etc…. then I ended up seeing SETH BINZER and I was in tears when I saw him because I’ve been really worried for him… we go back over 12 yrs…. I love him dearly and he is getting better as of right now….he and ANDY DICK are my sweet angels that I love. I adore them… both of them worry me. I ended up at a meeting and then PATTY my godma drove me to my car and we ended up talking for 3 hrs. in her car in the parking lot. It was sooo healing and amazing for me…. she is like GOLD to me…. with so much wisdom… when we were talking it was like a movie … the light lit her so perfectly and all her words and movements were perfect…
Yesterday feels like a blur. I was everywhere with my mama and I’m just getting so tired. I have to chill. Maybe tomorrow evening…
Today I walked my little Mickey like I do…almost everyday if I’m here and then off with my mama and brother. We went to the beach for some familia time. I’m realizing that when CELEBRITY REHAB IS AIRING I get really nervous…there was alot going on with STEVEN ADLER. He overcame and was able to heal from that experience… he really is a doll. This season is going to be pretty wild…and powerful.. when we came back from the beach I watched the show with my family then rushed to the gym for 40 minutes but I wasn’t centered or even in the moment cuz my phone was blowing up … I believe that while I work out I need to be focused on what I’m doing. I’ve been doing the stairmasters and my little Jack Lalanes look-alike man actually taught me the other day how to do it correctly… he said for me “not to lean on the machine and stand straight on it and smile at God” (which meant my boobies should aim high) soooo cute and pushing down while squeezing my booty would change everything on my body-and I must say it is sooooo much harder….I ate badly the last 3 days and gained 4 lbs… ughhhhh… that means lots and lots of water and I’m on eating healthy again …. I might do just eating clean no oils or carbs and no butter in my food for nxt few days….I have so much to say but I’m beat. Promise tomorrow I’ll have more to say… ohhhh major important to the ladies plzzzzzzzzzzz use Neutrogena spf 100-best product for not getting sun spots and keeping ur face protected … I’ve been using other super expensive products-but this is by far the best… and cheeeaaapppp…..

What a powerful day for me… a spiritual based day for me … I woke up rather early cuz I had made plans to go to a WOMENS MEETING, which I heard about this particular one for a very long time… I have to say it was a just as what I heard ….POWERFUL… it was in the PALISADES…my girlfriend and I took a beautiful drive out there…. I just felt wonderful afterwards…

I then came back to my POCKETSIZE’S casa creative where I did phoners (interviews) for a while for EPISODE 2 of CELEBRITY REHAB , which airs this SUNDAY on VH1… I love doing them… I have a wonderful team … My MANAGER MARKI COSTELLO has a great passion for what she does and a great vision…. I’m honored to say that she believes in me and sees how to market me….ohhhhh I’m sooooo excited for my future…. my other part of my team is my PUBLICIST VALERIE ALLEN and she is a force… she seriously is a bad ass… she also has her team too… Valerie has been away on vacation and I’ve been working w EMILY INGERSOLL who is w Valerie’s camp…. I absolutely LOVE Emily…. she is doing such a great job…. she gets me and is pushing hard for me…. sometimes on an hr. to hr. basis my schedule is changing… I know that I am busy til the middle of Aug…. I have a meeting w her tomorrow…. I feel her passion… we speak the same language…  I also have other team players on my team, but right now  I’m working hand and hand with these women… OHHHH THE WOMAN IN MY LIFE HOW I LOVE THEE (ALL)

I spent some great quality time w AMY on her drive way just sitting in the middle of her drive way while half the world walked by… we were so united in OUR world that it didn’t matter… I’m sure it did look odd ,but I did not care it was OUR moment and time…. I ended up at the gym and did errands … on the way to my mamas I had a long talk w my sponsor Theresa and was just sobbing while speaking w her… I was crying because she is magical… I was crying because I felt free, she said to me “WELCOME INTO THE WORLD OF BEING LIBERATED THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BABY” I knew at that moment that I was relieved of that bondage that has been holding me back and no longer can “it” control me… I will eventually feel comfortable to talk about it…we talked for a long time…. I called AMY sobbing to thank her for her love and accepting all of me….

Today I was in conversation w very influential people that are in my life that I respect and adore… they are my family  in recovery… my sweet GEORGE who I absolutely adore who has alot of time… he is such a rock to me and boy have we danced a dance … I lean on him and just listen to him like a little girl looking at her father… I admire and love that man from Brooklyn… he rates high on my meter… for many reasons ….thank u GEOOOOOORGE! I doubt he reads this but u guys need to know how much I love that man….

I ended up at my homegroup meeting where my sponsie Carly became a secretary at… I came early to help her on her first night. I sat there in awe of this little angel … I can’t believe how far she’s come… thats the beauty of working w others is when u see the lights come on in their eyes… I’ve seen many lights on many men and woman come on and that’s the gift for me…ohhhh I was so proud and am so proud of her…2 meetings in 1 day for me… wooooow! Afterwards Scott, Jeff , Carly and I just sat outside LEH and talked recovery and about our lives for a long long time … I have to say I truly love them and I feel safe around them and we’re just people trying to recover and function in this thing called life. I just felt part of something that was more profound than outside stuff… my spirit was filled all day…the answers came because my house was in order… it was friggin awesome today in my life and in my skin….

learn daily the lesson of trust in the midst of the storms of life. Gods command is the same.be grateful, humble ,calm and loving to all people . Leave each soul the better for having met u or heard u. For all kinds of people, this should be ur attitude, a loving desire to help and an infectious spirit of calmness and trust in God. ”U have the answer to loneliness and fear which is calm faith in the goodness and purpose of the universe”… I just love this mediation ….thank u Stretch

I only slept 3 1/2 on SUNDAY NITE  so when I woke up on MONDAY I knew that I was going to be on a rollercoaster of a ride that day… I now know that I had emotionally and mentally ran myself to exhaustion.  I put a lot of pressure on myself…well I’m getting better but still…and w CELEBRITY REHAB SEASON 5 AIRING LAST SUNDAY I WAS NERVOUS….why??? The “am I enough” syndrome…would people like me?  I’m too damn hard on myself… I went to PRC to go do my group then had a staff meeting there…rushed to L.A to the gym, got my workout on then rushed to AMY’s (POCKETSIZE) house then off I went to an AA meeting …ran a few errands then came back to her house to literally shower and get dressed to head over to the “ROXY” on SUNSET… AMY has such a vision and is a huge part of my NEW CHAPTER …MY NEW TRANSFORMATION. So MISS POCKET, EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS’ed MY STYLE and she looked at the dress I had on & she said “ummmm no, ur going to put MY dress on” Ya hello HERVE LEGER super small ok extra small …. I said “umm no I couldn’t fit into that” She then said “ummm ya u can , ur tiny”… so off it went (she just said to me  that I was wearing a shirt,grrrrrr lmao) and more importantly ON IT WENT, IT FIT!!!!!!! WAAAAALAAAA! We drove together to the “ROXY” for the “FRIENDLY HOUSE 60TH ANNIVERSARY BENEFIT”… I was opening the show, oh yes I was nervous. Sold out event, and we all were wearing a POINTER SISTERS COSTUME from the past 45 yrs.. pretty cool, many musicians performed…actors…. comedians… and back stage we had stylists like AMY, hair dressers like SEAN JAMES (who I love ) and his team of assistants and make up artist like CRYSTAL (who did my face that night) VOLUNTEERING their time and talents as well as so many people who volunteered from all over for this benefit …. I had been there from 4ish till way past midnight and let me tell u I hit a wall, not literally but physically… one thing about me is that when I’m done, IM DONE!!!!!and call me rude, moody whatevs I just shut down and lights out….

TUESDAY I had a lot of stuff going on and Thank God I slept a little. I did interviews and went to an AA meeting when I got home I went in the back yard at Amy’s…I just needed “ME” time… I responded to a whole hell of alot of txts, emails, phone calls, twitter, fb emails , messages etc. etc. and got my agenda for JULY/AUGUST caught up and then wrote all while taking some sun in for about 3 hrs…I had interviews yesterday for CELEB REHAB and then off I went to do the “OH MARY” show on www.latalkradio.com in the valley. when I got home I was so tired and drained…yet I proceeded to do more work via computer and finally again hit that wall. I was delirious and my girl AUNG thankfully came to the rescue-helping by cleaning up all the mess I do on the computer…

Today I worked again at PRC doing my group, some errands, drs appt in Santa Monica, gym time (saw Mr. Jeremy Jackson and his girl there) did some returns at fasion PR firm REDLIGHT( they are so good to me there) more errands and back for more interviews and work via computer… tonights got to be an early night for me…I’m kinda excited for a long weekend. I just need it to be mellow  at times. My life is full and busy, which I LOVE… but it’s also important to find my balance…

I have received OVERWHELMING SUPPORT from EVERYONE ON ALL MY SOCIAL MEDIA REGARDING CELEBRITY REHAB …. THANK YOU FOR THAT… I will get into more how I’ve lost all my weight, over coming heavy obstacles and just life when I’m not so tired…

I woke up today and took little MICKEY on his morning poop walk…holy jeepers it was a hot day… then I went to the gym.. there was this man that reminded me of JACK LALANNES (he was soo cute) came up to me and started teachimg me how to do free weights properly… ahhh found a blessing there… I try to remain teachable… and I actually learn….woooow ! What a concept … I learned how to do some crazy stuff today … I also learned that when u do new things u get super sore…..ouch…I’ve said this before but since CELEBRITY REHAB WRAPPED I’VE NOW LOST OVER 20LBS… I FEEL GREAT WITH WERE I AM WITH MY WEIGHT ,BODY AND HEALTH….I mean I’m an addict I would love to tighten up lose more etc etc… more more more!!!!!!!! but from 257lbs I’ve come a long way… I remember I said if I could ever get to blah blah blah I would be so happy then 3 wks ago I got there then I said ok ok but if I could get blah blah blah that would be it. Haaaa! I so had to check myself, quickly… I’ve  passed my dream goal from when I was heavy so it’s a MIRACLE and a blessing from here on… oddly since my last relationship ended I’ve been able to drop the last 20 lbs, maybe that weight was still protecting me…maybe just from me or…..life?

I went and got my nails did and toes … went shopping for my mama and then came back to her house where I just couldn’t anymore… I just passed out and slept for 45 minutes and hard….then my little brother came in and we had a premiere party the 4 of us… MY MAMA , BROTHER, LITTLE MICKERS AND ME! I have to say I was filled w anxiety all day …my people pleasing kicked in, would I be liked? etc etc…at the end of the day it’s a show about addiction and bringing awareness to the disease and  it is sooooo REAL…. helping others not about me… but some fb’ed me and said it’s probably about the responsibilities thats the bigger picture and he was right….the responsibilities of a show like this that come with it…the show is edited and there are a lot of things I wish u guys got to see….I’m honored to do what I do but I am passionate about all the things I do… it’s not just recovery based stuff that I do, but that’s alway’s first. The more I put myself out there on shows about recovery the harder I have to work on my recovery and I effing do that ….. I have to…

SEASON PREMIERE OF CELEBRITY REHAB SEASON AIRED TONIGHT! It’s amazing all day STEVEN ADLER AND I have been txting each other … we are all good guys… I was in the bathroom trying to hide the fact I was crying but being mic’d they hear everything… so I was told to come out and gratefully Shelly was still there to walk me thru that… being on a team is such a blessing this season for me….compared to SOBERHOUSE… I learned and grew so much from this experience and the whole cast … I am receiving a lot of support from everyone…BAI LING also has been txting me … she has a powerful story …. MICHAEL LOHAN has called today too, but we talk a lot as do I with JEREMY JACKSON… JEREMY IS THE ONE WHO HELPED ME LOSE MY LAST 20LBS …. he knows his fitness that one…. well he helped a lot  for a bit….I still talk w DWIGHT”DOC”GOODEN ALL THE TIME (love love love him) and little JESSICA”SUGAR”KIPER as well…. I remain close with them …. they are very brave to put there life and isssues out there….

I am doing a fashion show tomorrow at the “ROXY”!!!!! but in the morning, it’s a super early rise and shine  for me… 6am wake up , then I go do my group at PRC then out to L.A for the week…. have gym, an aa meeting ,interviews on phone for CELEB REHAB  until I have to go to “ROXY” for rehearsals and hair and make up then show… apparently I’m opening the show… aghhhhhhhh…I haven’t done a FASHION SHOW IN A BILLION YRS….. I’ve got a busy wk but I am so blessed….. I ask GOD TO SINK MY BOAT W BLESSINGS lately ….I’M READY…. I LOVE U GUYS (even the ones who read my blogs and dont tell me). xoxoxo

Ok I’m a bit nervous for tomorrow and what people’s responses will be… it’s all done and I have no control over it but I’m still nervous….I took care of my personal life today… I got a tune up on my car then hit the gym with quite a few errands inbtw…tonight my little cousin Nicole had a going away dinner w my family… She’s moving to Australia for a while… I’m gonna miss the little one… my cousin Travis , Teresa my Aunt, my mama, my uncle Rueben,his wife Aynet, little 9 month Selah and their cousin Ruthy w a few other people… it was nice just being with my family…I weighed myself this am and I had lost a few more lbs but I ate soooo much bread,pasta and garlic…. oh but I’m a ball of carbs right now… but I decided to keep going and got boston baked beans and hersheys chocolate and ate cuz of my nerves… purely emotions…. not feeling so festive right now…..I’m keeping this short cuz I have a full wk ahead and want to sleep…. CELEBRITY REHAB AIRS TOMORROW ON VH1…. let me know what u guys think of the show……

Yesterday was a fantastic day…woke up happy, wrote in my personal journal and I paid bills over phone… went to the gym and rushed home to start more interviews…. I did internet interviews ,lots of phoners and radio interviews and my favorite MATTY Ps interview and pod cast… I did his show right when I split from my x a few months back and I was in such an uncomfortable place …. they even noticed that I sound different now…. it made me happy… he is such a great guy and his pod cast and live show does super well..he even told me they broke their live show record of  listeners by 3x’s the amount….they have call ins and I was soooooo surprised to get a call from Mandi H and I was touched by that …. then one of my bratzzz called in and floored me Miss.Deb D…. she was so honest and sincere w/ what she said and I was so moved and I also know Matty was as well… she made me cry… it’s moments like that , that I know what im doing is all so worth it… I know many others who were listening  were touched by what she had said… I then rushed to get ready cuz I was invited to go to the HTC 3D EVO LAUNCH PARTY. I did alot of press,on camera interviews and the press photographers  RED CARPET was on FIRE for me…what a fun fabulous party that was… I saw a lot of people I really liked and had great conversations. LMFAO performed, they were AWESOME….MY GIRL SARAH PANTARA did a great party , they were so good to me-even provided me w/ car service. One of my BESTIES MANDY SHERMAN was my date… I really love her…I was so beat when I got home, because doing those events are a lot of work  I really mean alot of work, that i just had to go to bed. I slept 8 hrs. and woke up, talked w/ my POCKETSIZE AMY for an hr. and off I went on my day, did an AA meeting which was powerful then came to my mama’s house to take her out to eat, & shopping.  Spent some time w/ her and my baby MICKEY…my mama has missed me so I’m w/ her for the nxt few days. Gosh I’m such a mama’s girl w/ her … then I went to the gym for 50 minutes came home and walked my little MICKERS… he was so happy to be w me… I love when he pee’s with his little leg way up and looks like a little ballerina… throughout the whole day I’m on my emails and calls for work . I’ts really a crazy time because of CELEBRITY REHAB AIRING THIS SUNDAY ON VH1… I’m a little nervous because I know what comes w/ doing this kind of show…but in the long run it’s all so worth it because it helps alot of people and it’s bringing awareness to the disease of ALCOHOLISM AND DRUG ADDICTION to the surface…I’M PROUD TO BE IN RECOVERY!!!! Since I’ve been home at my mama’s tonight I’ve been working and finally I get to go to bed soon….

my godmama of recovery Patty has been a huge help of support and LOVE to me as well as many others… like my chica, raggie, theresa, anna my bratz nappyz , debz,aungz (my luffz beyond words) , daddy dave, marg, sandro, al, rhonda , chris,jeff and so many others all from twitter and fb… thank u guys.. you’ve been such a great support… I appreciate u all.

Now it’s me and MICKERS time and I think we’re going to go and harass my mama as she sleeps till I get yelled at and run to my room like a little girl….