Jan
28.
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i am so happy that you are reading my blogs… and that you are commenting on THIS SITE or even on FACEBOOK or MYSPACE…its nice to know there is support out there… and truthfully that im getting honest about my moments of my day…having a connection is so important to me…i have the biggest craving for TACO BELL…nacho belle grande…i talked myself out of going there…but my head was playing nasty games on me… like telling me “no one has to know you can get something,you deserve it”…i didnt!!! but the drive back from Silverlake tonight was like that the whole way home…

Today at the gym eith DARLENE was intense and no joke… i stayed centered and focused… i couldnt stand almost all the stuff we were doing cuz my brain wouldnt connect but ill be damned if i didnt stayed centered to keep at it… today was everything with squats involved and i dont like them but im tired of the lines underneathe my ass having a bunch of friends all around that one line thats only suppose to be there…and all the cellulite … i also decided to do a stupid thing and tell DARLENE (who just gets off on me challenging myself and her) i wanted to work my abs off too… i was so mad doing these crunches and stomach exercises and SLOWLY….wtf…ive been quite active all day…i had a protien shake with a banana, ,light vanilla yogurt and whey for breakfast /then a bowl of tuna with 1/2 a cup of brown rice for lunch/then 4oz of chicken with a teaspoon of mayo salt and pepper for an early dinner/ then a appex protien bar….im so freakin hungry right now but its 1am in the morning so im going to guzzle yet more effing water… oh TACO BELL why are you friends with my enemy cellulite?????

i talk with my little brother DWIGHT everyday and when GOD made DWIGHT he just made him so angelic like… he is such a sweet and loving brother… im so lucky… i miss him i havent seen him since CHRISTMAS and i cant wait til he moves back to L.A soon…no wait i saw him in VEGAS during the New Year but he only saw me for like 5 minutes cuz big sister wasnt cool enough to hang with him and his friends … wow my ego still hurts i guess 🙁 haaa

i just took  MICKEY out in our backyard to poop… he gets so shy about it… its hysterical watching him in all his ways… he has such a personality …he is so sensitive and sweet and acts like such a baby most of the time then he can be terrible which i absolutley LOVE…

i had to get my roots done yet again… DAMN IT this thing called getting older i wish i was warned about … JEEZ  i can do without the GRAYS… ugh




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Jan
27.
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and then there was today… ive been literally in tears  all day until tonight …im emotionally warned out… the car saga continues but im trusting that tomorrow morning the auto maker will be able to help TOM and myself out… if not more will be revealed … im trusting in GOD…i really need help to learn how to deal with situations like cars… its like talking a foreign lanuage ive never heard of before… at one point i was asking myself “whats there to be grateful for jenn?” but ive been trained to find the good in shitty moments and do a quick gratitude list , then quickly i realize how fortunate i am…TOM again saves the day, he closed down his office to help me…ya so now im do laundry and folding clothes with a smile on my face  and definitely not gonna ask him to help with the bedding 😉 … i have some other things in life going on but its just things… i keep saying ” this too shall pass”… im learning how to handle the big things as well as the small things in life its just uncomfortable at times… well i just finished writing that and my toilet flooded…im sure im covered in fecal (ewwwwwwww) so i threw bleach all over my bathroom and its splattered all over me and my black workout gear is all bleached as well as my body… this is what im talking about  the “things” that overwhelms me….

ok im back and showered…

so i started my journal off with “i cried until tonight”… the one thing i knew would be good for me was going to the gym to workout and DARLENE worked me in thank GOD…so today i started off with Whey Protein shake with a banana and light vanilla yogurt in it, 2 wheat tortilla with cheese and 6 oz of chicken with salt ,pepper and a tablespoon of mayo oh and an energy drink… i did 12 minutes of warm up cardio at high resistance then to train with the boss… intense shoulders, back and triceps exercises and lots of stretching all while holding glutts in and stomach tight then off to do  more cardio 35 more minutes of high resistance… all together 2 hrs of it and back tomorrow at noon… i made such ugly faces and kept forgetting to breathe… man im already sore… when i was in pity mode while crying earlier my stomach was killing me cuz of all the damn sit ups i did last night… i so am not one to like crowded gyms and the last few nights the gym  has  been super crowded… so im going early …

they say” it gets darkest before the dawn” and im hoping for a miracle that my dawn arises soon…



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Jan
26.
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TOM just sits like a 3 year old yelling in between fast forwarding TIVO “24 BABE 24″… he’s sometimes like a child… and right now i just smile… he came to save the day , so i am grateful to him … so my day started off late cuz well i woke up late …drove frantically over to get my nails done with slippers on and i forgot to brush my hair (ew) then i went home and showered… umm ya my nails were still wet ,messed those up nicely then i got ready for  my reshoots/pick ups for SOBERHOUSE 2 … went back to the house we shot in and was so delighted to see ROB and JOHNNY and some other crew members … they are super awesome…our shoot went quick and smooth so im driving on the 210 fwy when  BOOM car engine and screen lights  goes off and just dies on me  so i started exiting on LAKE and had to start pushing my car ,THANK GOD for nice men, 5 of them, who start pushing  my car with me to a gas station.. my F%$#@!* car broke down for the 3rd time in the last 3 weeks on me… ive had it at the dealership and it has to be something theyve done wrong(again)… im stuck ,and low n behold my night and shinning armor arrives TOM… im crying,tom calls for tow truck and the dealership finally tow truck comes and im just so overwhelmed(real life shit just takes it out of me)…he really (at times) can be a saint… im scheduled to train with DARLENE so he drops me off and waits for me …i have to say the day just started off wrong…

 DARLENES poor adventure with a pissed off  and manic jenn…(TOM sees this side often) … im out of my mind screaming and cursing with a packed and i mean packed gym and crazy girl  here doing out of control exercises… some of the things DARLENE had me do were out of this world really…like man push ups droping elbow to elbow without cheating back to push ups… squats on a medicine ball while balancing on it then throwing a ball catching it …crazy sit ups with a heavy ball in both hands holding until Miss.Thing thought it was a good (torture) time for me to release..squatting with 10 lbs weights lifting weights from anckle up to ceiling against a medicine ball all while squatting… seriously the others were just insane to do  for anyone plus  i was on one( one of those moments)…my eating today was a yogurt ,3 oz of chicken , protien bar and ham and swiss sandwhich … so much water … im still swishing… i didnt do cardio today though…

i just got off the phone with one of my BEST Friends BRANDI GLANEVILLE(CIBRIAN) … im going to go spend the night this week … i miss her … she is such a strong woman and an angel in my life who has been there for me like nobodies business… itll be fun to catch up and just be with her…

man sometimes i wonder whats the lesson with all this shit that goes on in my life…i hope the journey gets smooth for a while soon … although i must say i ran into alot of helping hands with kind faces who just had good intentions…i was wearing my COLTS jacket that JIM IRSAY gave me (he owns the COLTS) and one guy who helped me push my car says at the end ,”hey im saying sorry in advance ” and tips his hat , which happened to be a SAINTS hat… i just smile … see even people of different teams can help one another…



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Jan
24.
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the last few days have been hectic…i guess for all of us life is challenging on a daily basis, right?… my MAMA had a procedure done and had to be hospitalized so i was on daughter duty…. on Thrusday i picked her up and brought her to my house to recover… i always get panicky about my mama… i value her so and love her so much… i have been blessed with a strong MOM!!!…on Thrusday evening i had started feeling alot of pain on my side and prior for a few days had wierd  sharp pains in my back… well the pain started to increase and sure enough i was passing kidney stones…7 years ago i passed 10 yes 10 kidney stones in 1 year so i was familiar with the pain … i thought i was dying… poor TOM ended up taking care of my MOM and i…yesterday i was very sore and sensitive…

i was doing really good on my workouts and eating… yesterday i took the day off from working out and rest … i had a protien shake for breakfast, for lunch i had a turkey provalone cheese ,mustard sandwhich, and a cup of chicken noodle soup for dinner… then came today… umm not so great i woke up at 12:30 ish this afternoon so i decided i couold eat fritos a good size bowl of it … you know it wasnt a choice and it hurt my stomach… i felt gross after that then my MOM came over and we had dinner with TOM … i had meat a piece of bread and  tomatoe salad… the meat was heavy for me, dont get me wrong i do like eating it once in a while but tonight it was so heavy for me… so i decided after dinner to get proactive and vacuum the whole house and get on the treadmill, so i wouldnt feel so shitty about myself… i did 35 minutes and did 2.6 miles…tomorrows a new day and i have choices … i am going to choose to do the things that will help me in my life that are positive like eating right and working out…i do feel bad about my choices today… i am still connected to DARLENE wirelessly so we will be able to see my activities and fat intake calories burnt and so much more… seeing her and working with her is such a blessing…i was spending way to many hours at the gym this week…i guess its better than not right…

on Friday i was talking to ANDY DICK  via text right before he went on stage in West Virginia …and today he was arrested early this morning at a bar, im sure everyone knows already… we talked tonight and he said he was “really sad” and some other things …ill i can say is my heart goes out to him and he knows I LOVE HIM and IM HERE FOR MY LITTLE ANDY DICK… im not here to judge just here to  help , support and love my friends and family when they need it… 

on Monday i get to do reshoots/pick ups  for SOBERHOUSE 2 …ive done like 10 days already… its always nice to see  the crew …



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Jan
19.
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let me just start off by talking about my tom… seriously he is such a little boy sometimes… as im writing he just locked MICKEY in our patio without even noticing…i clean our house and im a freak about it…i ask him maybe 5 times a year to help me put the sheets on the bed and seriously he kicks and screams like a baby about it… dropping f bombs and turning red its hysterical to me and how can it be a man like him changes clothes so damn much in a week… i feel like i just folded 507 t-shirts….oh i forgot to mention i also do laundry a few times a week …theres so many funny moments with TOM…watching his reaction (sometimes ) cracks me up

well tomorrow is my TOM’s birthday…

 ive been under the weather(again)… ive been around and hugging way to many people and alot of them have been sick… why hug when your sick… i only say this cuz i had pneumonia and bronchitis and its so easy for me to get sick… im now back on meds for bronchitis… man my body is so sensitive lately ….

relearning to eat correctly has been a challenge for me…ya i get sore from working out but trying not to get overwhelmed with this food intake is my challenge…see my head tells me im eating way to much and im going to get fat…but im following DARLENEs direction…i dont know if its just me but being educated on nutrition is something ive lacked in… today i had a protien shake in the morning, 4 oz of chicken and 2 corn tortillas for lunch, low fat/low sodium soup and an orange for dinner…. and yes so much water , i wished it was a slurpee ;)!!! tomorrow DARLENE said to be ready cuz she is going to intensify my training …great…. hopefully i feel better and i can do this…

SOBER HOUSE 2 comes out in MARCH on VH1!!!




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Jan
17.
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 JAN 15TH  is my sober birthday… i just turned 4 !… honestly im pretty blown away how different my life is today…its so much better .. i have peace ,joy, happiness and a lot of laughter for the most part… ive learned im not alone in my journey…. ive learned that people actually care and that there are good hearted people out in the world… you know i am blessed with what i have and i love the people i have in my life  today, im grateful for all the people who have come and gone in my life as well because i learned and leaned on them in those days , so to them i say “Thank You” ….

today i woke up with a migraine… i suffer from migraines … they are so dibilitating…. i get the full blown works… cant see, smell of anything kills me, i can only be in the dark, i must lay in bed, i throw up, my body hurts and my head just throbs uncontrollably…with migraine medication it eventually does pass but boy when they come its terrible and it takes me a few hours to feel somewhat normal again after the matter….

the last 24hrs hours with this eating 5 times a day thing i was NOT so good on … part of writing my next 6/8 weeks experience with connecting in all areas of my life is telling on myself … with eating yesterday and today my time was cut short and boom i just forgot to eat  then i had an extremely late nite last nite and had dinner at midnight…. then with the migraine ,forget about it,  the last thing i wanted to do was smell food so then i would throw it up… u know its just planning ahead and cooking things so im prepared to be on time…i know it sounds simple but its not for me with my crazy schedule…  i hope i can keep on track with it… im trying… my body is still so sore… jeez when does the pain end…i rested finally after weeks of not having a day off at the gym … i go back tomorrow after i go to my home group 12 step meeting then a panel…





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Jan
15.
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so i had to wear heels today… wow its been a hot minute since i wore heels and since im so freakin sore boy i t was a task…thanks DARLENE…so im wearing this monitor on my arm and somehow im connected to miss.trainer so i feel like its some kind of electric shock she knows what im doing at all times device…today was a much better day dealing with the process of  “body” well ok work out ,pain and eating… i just dont want to get bigger in size or bulky…. ha not that i am but see my head plays mean tricks on me… i ate exactly as i was told… iwas thankful i didnt have to roll on a dumb ball  balancing myself on top of it with push ups and reverse sit ups without touching the floor or do things that my brain cant comprehend but i did have to do man push ups with a twist in the air… i swear im not lyin…as i complain i secretly enjoy the challenge…

today i got to live my dream … well one of them… it had to do with my profession and i was really grateful….

so i came home tonight to find little MICKEYs face covered in mud and greenies covered in dirt all over my living room… so i scream ‘TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM  im going to beat u!!!” … see he taught MICKEY how to barry bones in the backyard and then he digs them up and brings them in the house or at times in my bed on my face as im sleeping…ya and im not so sweet being woken up … ok ok im a total nightmare…. anyways i thought it was a dead something….oh sweet LORD minutes from now im about to turn 4 !!!! wow!!!!!! im grateful for a loving GOD who saved a girl like me !!!! it hasnt been easy but its sure been worth it….IM NOT A MISTAKE AND I MATTER TODAY I AM A MIRACLE!!! i write this with tears coming down my face in disbelief…for anyone out there feeling hopeless in any kind of situation i want to let u know MIRACLES EXIST im living proof and u dont have to do this alone and u can get thru it  if  nobody told u today they love u ,  I  want to say to you “I LOVE YOU AND YOU MATTER”



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Jan
14.
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OMG my body is in so much pain… every single step i take i am feeling pain… the one thing about asking for help and wanting to change is U WILL GET HELP AND CHANGES START OCCURING…so i decided to open my big mouth and tell DARLENE  i wanted the lines under my butt line to go away, so she did just that !!!! the muscles of my legs and booty feel broken! (yes i know they cant break)… i am also going thru caffine (energy drinks,sodas)  and salt withdrawls…i am in the “uncomfortable” phase …no let me be straight with you i am agitated , angry, tired and pissed right now…. my body is tired and im moody because its just simply CHANGE… i feel i lost the light in this deep tunnel im in….Darlene said to me today that i just have to allow it to work itself out (pain, soreness,emotions ive held in certain areas in my body) . i had a real hard time looking in the mirror at the gym today … i only saw the fat , ugly, celluite monster i became, not who i am at this right moment… in a clear state of mind i am grateful for the weight because it was my protection shield , it helped my cope…ill tell you i am so lucky to have Darlene because she is one of the best in her field… but more importantly she is giving me one of the biggest gifts ill ever probably recieve, that is her knowledge ,strentgh and hope… up in a few hours to go back to it…

my little mickey has had a few medical problems lately and thankfully is getting better….God i just am so in love with him…

tom and i went to see Andy Dick with Adam Corrolla at the IMPROV tonight…it was a blast…i love my little Andy…

tom has been such a pillar to me… yes we go thru it but thats just it we go THRU IT… we have been laughing alot lately…well he laughs at me too, the drama me that is…ill tell u im a hand full so it definately takes a certain type of person to want to be in it… tomorrow is a full long day for me so sweet sweet dreams xoxo



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Jan
13.
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i was wondering how to start or rather catch up with my last few months of not blogging and instead of trying to back track , ive chosen to just allow whatever comes out to be just that… my moments…i have been working with a trainer the last month… a woman at that… ive never worked with a woman on my body before… i know it could sound odd to you because when i realized i hadnt it was odd to me…. i mean a woman would understand my body, my issues, my struggles, my challenges , my pms, my nuttiness , my just being a woman…it actually took a while , well, in believing “THE PROCESS” …theres so much more that entails working with someone… TRUST in all areas and that doesnt come easy for a girl like me….i am so grateful for her… her name is DARLENE and she truly is an incredible woman… shes on top of her game,quick,funny,fiesty, caring,kind,compassionate and doesnt let me get off the hook…. but she does it in a loving way … thus far its a blessing to have her in my life… sore ,oh hells im so sore all the time  but all the worth it… i am going to blog about the next 6 to 8  weeks we have (she) has decided to get me into tip top shape…. i dont want to fail her but its time to not fail myself in this area ….im wearing a body bug that counts calories ,logging everything i am eating , getting a menu of what to eat and   even drink daily… getting measured (yuck) ,weighed (ew) ,and body fat checked(ugh) weekly… i check in with her all day long… see what recovery has taught me is i dont have to do things on my own today or ever again if i choose…. ive searched and searched for the right person  to guide me to connecting  me to my body , what im learnening is im connecting my mind, body and spirit as a one , a whole nother level…im asking GOD to keep me teachable and open in this process… hopefully he takes the soreness out of this situation…




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